Feeling Rough

With my last blog post declaring that I was no longer pursuing art as a job, this blog post was intended to go into more detail on that and the direction I was hoping to go... but there's been a change in plans.

Originally, my plans were to apply for a job as an overnight stocker while restructuring my online presence to be more personal. Somewhere along the way though, I injured my arm. The timing of this is unfortunate for multiple reasons but until my arm has healed, finding physically demanding work is off the table. To be honest, this has weighed on me a lot with everything that has gone on.

For those who may not know this about me, I've struggled with agoraphobia for years, as well as other anxiety and depression related disorders. I was practically self-quarantined for the better half of a decade, only leaving the apartment to take out the trash or go shopping. It was not common that I'd travel or leave on my own and the only times I did was when I visited family or attended a Furry convention.

Just before the COVID pandemic, I was making a lot of progress with my therapist on leaving the apartment on my own. I was taking regular walks, shopping, going out to a local burger place to eat, and even picked up a job application from Fry's Electronics. I started to gain confidence in myself that I could get out into the world and be ok... and then everything stopped and I was forced to go back inside.

What I'm feeling now is similar to how I felt then, that I'm not capable of doing anything on my own. I'll always mess up, fail, and live with constant reminders of the times I tried and got nowhere; not because of any valid reason or excuse but because I just didn't have enough of a backbone to commit.

My last blog post was intended to be a declaration of commitment, but now I'm unable to follow through because I was reckless and let my guard down for just a moment. To make matters worse, I injured my dominant hand so even if I did want to draw, it's probably ill-advised that I do until I've gotten it looked at... which I have to wait longer than I'd like to do because I had no healthcare plan.

Needless to say, all of this has re-enforced a lot of negative feelings about myself. While I know a lot of this is in my head, sometimes I still wonder if I ever really mattered or helped my communities and friends as much as I thought I did. That's honestly why I've temporarily removed myself from a number of online platforms. Part of me wants to know if someone will notice and reach out, confirm that what I provided was valued enough to be missed, but I guess that's why I struggle with being self-sufficient.