Updated: Sep 26
I just wanted to take some time to give you guys an update and get some things off my chest. The long and short of it is, I haven't been feeling well emotionally for some time and it's really taking it's toll on me. I've tried to smile and push through things but no matter how much I try, things don't seem to change.
I know I haven't been posting much in the way of art and the likes and I'm really sorry. I can't express how disappointed and upset I am with myself. Everyday I wake up, the first thought in my head is that I should draw or stream. When it's time for lunch I think about skipping lunch so I could draw or stream instead. When it's nearing dinner, I think about the time I could have been drawing but didn't... so maybe I should eat later. As I go to talk to friends to wind down in the evening, I think I should be drawing. When I go to bed, maybe I should stay up late and draw. Everyday is like this... but every time I go to draw, I stare at a blank canvas. I feel tired or exhausted and am unable to get into a creative head space. Instead, I think of all the things I failed to do.
I think of all the things I haven't drawn that either said I would draw or wanted to, the commissions I want to be doing, the streams I should be streaming, the Patreons I lost whom weren't getting what they paid for... I think of all of this every time I look at the canvas and question my worth as an artist. My art, music, and imagination is all I've got... so if I can't make it with that, I don't know how I'd ever make it on my own.
The past few months of depression has been exhausting but nothing new, sadly. I've struggled throughout the majority of my life with this cycle of depression. For a short period of about a month or two I'll be fine, then fall into months of depression. The cycle is most apparent when browsing my gallery on FA as there will be short bursts of artwork uploaded followed up with a month or few of silence.
I don't want to ramble on about these things much more as it's difficult for me, so I'll try to end this with some positivity. Despite how I've been feeling, I'm still trying. I'm still seeing my counselor, though recent circumstances has made that a bit more difficult. I'm still trying to get out and get exercise in. I've recently started and anti-depressant in hopes maybe it could help... As much as I want to give up, you guys inspire me to want to hold on more. Things will get better, I'm sure. I'm eager to get back on track with things and give what I can.